pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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