I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Plan B is the new Plan A
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
