My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize