Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
