Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
another moral hangover. fuck.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
