My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
