I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
