While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
