I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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