Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
