Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Send help, water and tortillas.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
