My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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