New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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