i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
