If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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