The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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