It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
