I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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