how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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