What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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