She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
