Small penises have feelings too.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
