my mouth tastes like poor choices
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
