i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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