I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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