Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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