You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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