Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
