I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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