She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
