have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize