If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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