I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
