I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just found a bag of teeth...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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