do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
