Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
