its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
