I need to stop coming to work sober
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
