where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
