so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
