Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
