I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
