woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
