I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
