i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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