I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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