Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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