We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
