She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
