I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
