This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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