So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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