Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
