He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
