hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
