ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
