i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
