I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
