I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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