you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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